An honest narrative

So, it’s been awhile…

I decided for the month of December to take a break from blogging, I figured that my “audience” wouldn’t necessarily be interested in reading about hours of re watching The Good Place on Netlfix or replenishing my stash of Clif Bars. Not only was there little to write about, I was finding it hard to follow the same format I had been using in my previous posts. A format of telling a story and summing it up with a sappy, happy go lucky ending. It became impossible to even open a computer or read through old posts because I knew if I started to write, I wouldn’t have the ending I was used to giving. So maybe there is new year spirit in the air but for this post I will be switching it up, here is an honest narrative, by me… for you.

If I am being honest, from December to now has been full of change and full of uncertainty.

This month, I found myself asking the same questions I did at the beginning of my mission. I feel myself worrying about the little things all over again. I often would lay awake at night replaying potential situations in my head. I felt like I had completely lost my reasonings for coming in the first place. I was so frustrated at myself for being so caught up in the small things. Even as I am writing this, there are still different aspects of my stay I am uncertain about.

If I am being honest, these next 12 weeks seem impossible.

I already feel quite homesick, I go through waves of being completely okay, to remembering how far away home is. The day I arrived back in Guatemala, I googled how many days until April 1st, the day I fly home (it’s 85 days but who’s counting). I find myself plotting ways to make my time go by faster. Tasks that I completed in the fall that came effortlessly, now seem unfeasible. All over again, I am scared to be responsible for my students and feel unsure of how I will be as a teacher. I am emotionally exhausted from just one week and fear burning out over time.

But if I am being honest, I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Although, I am holding my breath as I am writing this in fear of crying. I know that this is a period of growth. I am learning so much about myself in these times of uncertainty. I am learning how I react to tough situations and how to be alone. I am thankful for the change and the hard. In fact, I am glad this has been tough. Where else would I be given this much responsibility and this much room to grow.

Again, this is where I would naturally sum it all up by informing you that everything will be okay, in all honesty though I don’t know that. What I do know is that even in this time of uncertainty, I can be thankful for the life experiences it is bringing me. As much as I enjoyed this raw and more authentic post, I do hope to bring back good, honest AND happy go lucky blog posts soon.